Resources about Perfectionism By Theresa Willingham

The Parent Coach: Help For The Perfectionistic Child by Dr. Steven Richfield

A parent writes: Our daughter places a great deal of pressure on herself to excel in school, piano, sports, and just about everything else. This pattern makes it hard for her to accept criticism, errors, and anything less than perfection. We often find ourselves trying to soothe her disappointment. Do you have any coaching tips to share?

We are all familiar with the perils of perfectionism, but few of us are aware of its joys.

Perfectionism grips some children’s self-esteem and self-evaluations with relentless reminders of their inadequacies. Often times, this occurs against a backdrop of impressive achievements and praise from the outside world. Unfortunately, their internal world of self-talk is littered with self-criticisms and denigration. Parents, teachers and coaches shake their heads in disbelief when a highly motivated and capable child denies herself the satisfactions of her achievements.

A popular misconception surrounding perfectionism is that it is always the product of driven parents who push their children toward endless heights. No doubt many children’s strivings are related to gaining parental approval but perfectionism warps that normally healthy base for motivation into a self-imposed, tyrannical demand for flawless performance in life. Even parents with high standards don’t “produce” perfectionism but may find their child interpreting their expectations this way. The roots of perfectionism are often temperamental, with links to conscience development and native abilities. Here are some coaching strategies to tame the passions of perfectionism:

Listen carefully to the voice of perfectionism in your child’s mind. Parents are in a unique position to evaluate the intensity of perfectionistic traits because such children tend to speak them aloud at home. Angry put downs such as “I’m so stupid!” or “I can’t do anything right!” may signal the pressure is building. Rather than attempt to talk your child out these labels try to assess the feelings behind the words. Suggest that they are caught up in disappointment in themselves and that these feelings can lead them to be very critical about everything they do. “Sometimes that critical voice is very mean to us,” is one way to start off a conversation that helps them reveal how the various perfectionistic pressures are experienced.

When the timing is right, educate them about perfectionism. Children with this problem may be extremely fearful of disappointing parents and teachers, misinterpret constructive criticism, and apply a rigid sense of right and wrong in their evaluations of events and performance. They benefit from learning how these perceptions and pressures are coming from perfectionism. One way to educate them is to introduce the concept of “Miss (or Mr.) Perfect.” For example, “Some kids and adults have a part of them that pushes them toward perfection, like a Miss Perfect, and this part gets in their way of being happy with themselves. Miss Perfect makes it hard to accept errors, enjoy learning new things because it takes time to perform well, and worry about disappointing us.” If appropriate, gently offer examples that show how Miss Perfect arrives on the scene when self-measurement is inherent in situations.

Help them develop a more realistic framework to self-measure. Perfectionistic children may distort the meaning of “try your best” to mean “perform perfectly.” The notion of placing relative effort into performance based upon the situation and task demands is not well understood. Parents can make this more literal by drawing a ruler with numbers 1-5. Explain how effort and expectations of themselves can be linked to each number depending upon the situation. Number 5 can correspond to a safety rule that should always be followed since the risks are so great if the child doesn’t put maximum effort into it. Number 4 might be associated with an important school requirement, #3 with a less important school requirement, #2 with an optional or extra credit assignment, and so on. The goal is for them to recognize how different demands call for different expectations of oneself.

Offer self-talk statements that allow for more balanced self-evaluations. Once children can pinpoint how perfectionism intrudes into their feelings and thoughts like a “mental magnifier” of their errors it’s time to give them alternate “talk-to-themselves messages.” Explain to them that Miss Perfect may not agree but we all deserve to feel good about ourselves even though we can’t be perfect. Suggest that they can remind themselves of this in different ways. For example, “Believing in myself even when I’m making mistakes will help me do better,” or “I should prepare myself to make some mistakes because I know that nobody is perfect – including me!” Look for opportunities to demonstrate these concepts and gradually help your child build a healthier self-view.

© 2003 Dr. Steven Richfield. All rights reserved. Re-printed with permission.

Perfectionism

Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D.

Gifted Development Center, Denver, Colorado

We are all familiar with the perils of perfectionism, but few of us are aware of its joys. If you have been searching all of your life for permission to be perfectionistic, this column is for you.

Perfectionism is often maligned. It is perceived as a personality flaw, a psychoneurotic tendency, a symptom of maladjustment, a bad habit, or an undesirable characteristic that should be firmly rooted out of one’s makeup. Parents are almost inevitably blamed as the cause of the “problem.” Cures include setting more realistic expectations and using self-talk to convince yourself that you don’t have to be perfect.

We laud Michelangelo for his search for perfection and Marie Curie for hers. We are proud of the achievement of our Nobel Laureates, our Olympic Champions, our world class scholars and artists. All of these individuals spend endless hours perfecting their knowledge, working harder than their colleagues, never satisfied with less than their best, pushing themselves beyond their own limitation. They command our profound respect and admiration. Why, then, do we denigrate this quality in gifted children or in ourselves?

The root of excellence is perfectionism. It is the driving force in the personality that propels the individual toward higher and higher goals. There is a strong correlation between perfectionism and giftedness (Silverman, 1983). I have yet to meet a gifted person who wasn’t perfectionistic in some way. Even underachievers, who refuse to do their work or turn in sloppy work, often behave the way they do because they can’t meet their own high standards (Whitmore, 1980). So they give up in frustration. But asking them to lower their standards and self-expectations is not the solution. It is more appropriate to build their self-confidence so that they are motivated to work toward their ideals. In underachievers we see how perfectionism can be debilitating.

In Olympic Champions, we see how it can lead to greatness. The characteristic itself is neither good nor bad, it just is – and it is part of the gifted person’s life equipment.

If you harness your perfectionism to work for you rather than letting it control you, you can change the world.

A Few Hints to Help You and Your Children Cope with Perfectionism

• Appreciate the trait. Don’t be ashamed of being perfectionistic.
• Understand that it serves a useful purpose.
• Set priorities for yourself. Allow yourself to be perfectionistic in activities that really matter to you, rather than in everything all at once.
• Maintain high standards for yourself, but don’t impose them on others lest you become a tyrant.
• Keep striving even when your first attempts are unsuccessful.
• Don’t quit when the going gets rough. Only allow yourself to quit when you’re a winner.
• Don’t punish yourself for failing. Focus your energies on future successes.
• Hold onto your ideals and believe in your ability to reach them.

REFERENCES

Silverman, L.K. (1983). Personality development: The pursuit of excellence. Journal for the Education of the Gifted, 6 (1), 5-19.

Whitmore, J. (1980). Giftedness, conflict and underachievement. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

National Association of School Psychologists

Children and Perfectionism

Parent/Teacher Handout by Virginia Smith Harvey, Nashua, NH Public Schools

Background

Perfectionists try to protect themselves from embarrassment, criticism, anger, and the withdrawal of love or approval by controlling themselves and the reactions of others. Perfectionists tend to become highly anxious when they make mistakes, have a chronic fear of embarrassment or humiliation, and have self-esteem based upon perfect performance. They often have strong feelings of inadequacy and see themselves as failures due to their or adults’ high expectations. This results in fear of making errors or wrong decisions, desire to avoid criticism, emotional guardedness, inclination to worry, cautiousness, need to know and follow rules, and tendency to work hard. While these traits can be positive, when excessive they become rigid and result in substantial pain.

Children who have perfectionistic tendencies can have difficulty functioning in the classroom because their expectations for themselves are so high that completing or even attempting school work is hindered. This can result in low self-esteem, chronic feelings of inadequacy, decreased performance, and increased tension and anxiety. Perfectionism has been linked to crippling performance anxiety (such as stage fright), psychosomatic disorders (such as headaches), depression, and suicidal behavior. It can emerge into an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder in adulthood.

This trait is common in gifted children and seems to result from a desire to be considered best in all situations. As a result, a gifted child may refuse to try activities rather than risk failing to achieve a superior level of performance, and consequently fall into a pattern of underachieving. Gifted children who attempt to be perfect in all aspects of their lives are also susceptible to burn-out. Perfectionism can also be seen in non-gifted children. It can be particularly problematic for a learning disabled student.

Unfortunately, perfectionism has the opposite of its intended effect. Rather than saving the person from criticism and gaining love and approval, perfectionism hinders both achievement and social relationships.

Development

Perfectionism appears to result from a combination of innate tendencies and environmental influences. Some individuals seem to be inclined toward perfectionism at a very young age, and these tendencies can be exacerbated by how adults respond to them.

Implications

Perfectionistic tendencies can be manifested in procrastination, thoroughness, various social difficulties, and overt perfectionism.

Procrastination: putting off tasks for fear of being unable to complete them perfectly, or not completing tasks because there is always “room for improvement.” To help a child counteract severe procrastination, adults can choose from the following activities:

• encourage the child to change her goal from perfection to completion of tasks.
• help the child break down tasks into manageable parts.
• help the child develop realistic schedules.
• teach the child to concentrate on tasks for several short time periods.
• help the child prioritize and distinguish essential from non-essential details.

Thoroughness: difficulty differentiating the important from the unimportant, and excessive inclusion of detail in oral and written work. The tendency toward excessive physical clutter due to fear of discarding, potentially useful item can also be due to “thoroughness”. Adults can help the child:

• set one or two goals at beginning of a project and maintain focus on these goals.
• work from outlines.
• reduce clutter by asking whether or how often items have actually been needed, or having two steps to discarding (such as putting potentially discardable items in a box to be reviewed and discarded after a period of time).
• help the child decide how much time to spend on a task and stick to a timetable.

Social difficulties: social inhibition due to fear of others seeing flaws, need to be correct at all times, inability to let others react emotionally, tendency to criticize others, avoidance of social and romantic encounters.

• encourage child to become more aware of lack of others’ perfection: for example, if child inhibited in beginning to speak a foreign language have child take note of the lack of proficiency of other students.
• take gradual steps in attending social situations and joining groups.
• model and encourage saying I don’t know.”
• model and encourage admitting errors without explaining self.
• ask the student to focus on a positive quality in the person he’s criticizing.
• avoid comparing one child with another.

Perfectionism is the belief that all tasks must be done perfectly and that perfection is a reasonable and desirable goal. To help a child counteract excessive perfectionism, adults can choose from the following activities.

• encourage the child to prioritize and decide which activities deserve maximum energy and which activities are less important. Teach the child not to expect to perform equally well in all tasks.
• model and encourage savoring successes.
• model and encourage relaxation such as meditation, listening to soothing music, yoga, cooking, walking, or reading for pleasure.
• “fair pair”: make sure that every time a child is criticized she is praised.
• set reasonable standards for yourself and for the child.
• praise for accomplishments that have nothing to do with achievement (cooperating, sharing, remembering, playing well together).
• model and encourage saying “no” to requests that would overextend resources.

Change evaluation and grading systems

• eliminate grades and personal comparisons.
• praise effort, not just product. For example, praise how hard a child worked on something rather than the grade achieved.
• refrain from over-praising: do not make what a child accomplishes more important than who they are as a person.
• mark the correct answers on papers.
• give permission both to yourself and the child to perform at an average level.
• reduce academic pressure. For example, the child may need to be discouraged from taking all top level classes.

Encourage a different way of thinking

• have frequent adult/child conferences and self-evaluations to confront with areas of strength and successful accomplishments.
• develop realistic goals.
• temper tendency toward negative self-appraisal when performance did not meet unrealistic standards.
• reinforce progress toward goals.
• discuss your own and the child’s strengths and weaknesses, and emphasize that no one is superior in all areas. Gardner’s seven types of intelligences can be a useful framework (verbal, numerical, spatial, musical, athletic, working with others, knowing yourself.)
• model and encourage graceful acceptance of your own mistakes.
• encourage becoming comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity.
• have the child read books listed in the references below as bibliotherapy.
• encourage the child to spend energy learning to care about and help others.
• redefine the word mistake:
• Think of mistakes as proof of learning and growing instead of failure.
• Think of mistakes as “spice”-good in moderation.
• give permission to make mistakes and discuss the benefits of making mistakes (including the stimulation of curiosity, creative energies, and investigative skills, as well as adding to store of useful experiences).
• have the student sign a “contract” not to be perfect: sleep late, get a “B,” etc.
• have the child investigate lives of persons who initially failed but later had success (Babe Ruth, CW Post, Louisa May Alcott, Walt Disney, Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Lee Iacocca, Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, the Wright brothers, Leonardo DaVinci).
• have the child list advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism.
• have the child keep a journal in which he logs in what areas of life he tries to be perfect, and what happens before and after instances of perfectionism.
• discuss with the student how these behaviors originated and what (and who) in their lives reinforces perfectionism, including historical, cultural, personal, social, and family elements.
• help the student explore the degree to which perfectionism affects all aspects of his life, including relationships, work, play, appearance.
• help the student determine what comments she is making to herself that are critical, judgmental, and derogatory. Help the student develop alternative, more positive internal comments.
• directly address the fear that perfectionistic students often have that if they are not perfect, failure is assured. Develop the concept that any grade other than an A is not an F.
• encourage self-compassion.
• reward just for trying a new activity, regardless of performance level.

It can be extremely effective for a teacher or psychologist to hold a series of group discussions with perfectionistic students, to complete many of the above activities.

In summary, perfectionism can become crippling. Realistic self-expectations need to be carefully developed. Children who are perfectionistic need adult assistance to help them reduce their perfectionism o it becomes an asset rather than a detriment.

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